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Lakuse also goes by jan Lakuse, Lak, raacz, and Chelsea.

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Six-Month Reading Check-In, and Notes on Psycling

Posted: July 3, 2026

The first 6 months of 2026 are complete, and I've read 66 books. Technically, I finished four of them on the first of July, but the actual time spent reading these four took place mostly in June.

About two thirds fiction to one third nonfiction. A smattering of classics, a smattering of academic-adjacent stuff.

On the Benefits of Reading

Okay, so I've read a lot. But am I feeling more wholesome, more focused, as was my goal when I started this?

Yes and no.

It's the third of July and I'm just exiting my worst depressive period all year. I've been in my bed. I've been watching a lot of YouTube, even though I had been slowly decreasing my YouTube time over the past months. And I feel horrible watching YouTube, as opposed to reading. The days that I read feel like good days. It's not suprising that I feel this way. I've explicitly outlined both on my brain and this blog that I consider READING = GOOD, and YOUTUBE = BAD.

The moralization I've imposed on the affair aside, the effect of building a strong reading habit on the attention span does not seem to live up to all the hype proposed by the self-improvement gurus. I have good productivity days and bad productivity days. Who knows why? I think its all dependent on external circumstances-- how fun is the project to me? Did I go outside that day? Did I drink enough water, did I take my meds?

It's easy to recall multiple days where reading has seemingly worsened my productivity-- days where I have neglected my obligations at the expense of reading, and detached from my projects just to turn my nose deeper into a book. But was it really because of the book, or was something else at play?

No, I can't speak strongly to causation.

I can't speak strongly to causation, but when I reflect upon the last month in particular, the negative effects of a reading addiction seem observable. I think, "More reading has perhaps been correlated to me retreating more insularly into myself, becoming more afraid of people and socializing, engaging in dissociative behaviours." Don't take my word for it. I'm not a very reliable narrator at the moment, being in the pits of my depression.

No, there have been a lot of positive effects. Foremostly, the time I spent reading did not simply disappear like it would have, had I spent the time scrolling. I have representations of that time, one such form of representation is in the list of books I have included below. I have ideas, opinions, take-aways associated with each title and cover. A lot of them.

I can outline the exact way in which these texts have enriched me. Can one be enriched by simply watching informative video essays on YouTube? Yes but there's a difference, isn't there? I'm not sure whether it is like this for everyone, but when it comes to videos, my brain goldfishes the experience and all future take-aways become an impression, like perfume rather than a tangible memory.

There are probably other positive effects, but articulating them doesn't seem to be like a good use of my time right now.

A Deeper Issue

I'm frustrated that reading hasn't had a more positive impact. I feel disappointed. I think I was operating for a period on the assumption that ADHD medication + fixing my phone addiction would make all my problems go away.

It's devastating when the same problems keep happening to me. I'm stuck where I was during COVID, during high school, during middle school, during elementary school.

(Actually, let's not over-exaggerate. There has been some progression on many fronts and material conditions have exponentially improved.)

Still, in regard to the Deeper Issue(s), I'm in a lot of pain. I'm stuck in a cycle that the tools offered by modern self-help paradigms don't seem able to disturb.

"The Chill" is what I used to call the pain associated with this psycle back when I was in middle school. I don't remember middle school much. I can't remember exactly when I went from being inseparable from books to being unable to read one voluntarily. I also have nearly zero recollection of my elementary school days.

I make a lot of educated guesses about what happened during that time. "I used to read a lot as a 'lil kid, and then I got addicted to my phone, and then my mental health was worse off."

Present-day me, being so absorbed into reading and simultaneously in so much pain, recasts the narrative of my readerly elementary school self. "Since as long as I can remember, I have been plagued by fraught mental health, and I have coped with it throughout the years by using various forms of escapism that were available to me. When I was a child, I tried to escape the psycle by reading lots and lots and lots of books."

It didn't work. I'm still stuck here, and I didn't read books for a while, but now I'm doing it again. I'm reading lots and lots and lots of books. The psycle continues.

Chronologically-Listed 2026 Reads

January

February

March

April

May

June

July